Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Urgent E-Mail That Must Be Read This Second!

Dear Beloved Family Member or Cherished Friend or Random Strangers I happened to have in my address book,

I know your first instinct is to immediately delete this e-mail because most forwards are incredibly irritating and a waste of your time, since they usually contain either inane jokes, unsubstantiated 'news', false alarms, missing reports of nonexistent people, scams to rid you of money, or scams for invisible iPods. But this e-mail is 100% real and factual and IMPORTANT (would I put words in all caps, if this wasn't crucial information?). After you read this e-mail, you must immediately forward this to 25 people you know, 5 people you don't know and 2.5 people you wish you knew. If you don't, then your Grandma's best friend's gardener's dog walker's nephew's bus driver will acquire a wart on their left thigh. LEFT THIGH! (see, all caps, so it is urgent) But if you do send it, oh my, will you ever be in for a treat.

Before we lay down the glory that is your impending treat if you send off this e-mail to the designated amount of people, you must be informed a major event that is going on in the world. Right this moment there are genetically engineered squirrels wielding pick axes that are sneaking into our homes and stealing your socks, but only one from a pair. This travesty leaves you with many socks without a partner, a friend, a pair, and a twin. This will lead your socks into a deep depression and almost assuredly a drinking problem. It will only be a matter of weeks that homes will be stricken with loud mouthed, drunken, pairless socks causing wooly damage throughout. Our socks deserve to be paired up. Our socks must be united. Our liquor needs to remain untainted from cotton or wool. Plus squirrels with pick axes are really frightening!

How are these genetically engineered squirrels coming into being? Well obviously, it is your government! Specifically YOUR government (ignore the fact that we aren't naming an actual country or that this mailing list may contain people from numerous countries, but concentrate on the fact it is most definitely the government of your country. If you happen to live like a hermit on a far away deserted island that happens to have wifi, then the government is YOU!). How is the government getting the funds to create these socks stealing, pick ax wielding squirrels? They've been using tax payers’ money, but eventually, they are coming up with a new revenue stream. On August 15, 2011, they are going to start charging 11 cents for every e-mail you send. And if you never use e-mail, then they are going to charge you for using Facebook (or Twitter or whatever will enrage you enough to forward this e-mail!) If this e-mail is received after August 15, 2011, and you are not being charged, then rest assured it was a typo and we meant 2012 (or 2013 or even 2019!!!)

This charge is unfair and unconstitutional and the worse thing ever since the idea of paying for stuff or services was INVENTED!!! (see, it’s important) We must take a stand against squirrels and fees and milk. We can only do that by sending out an e-mail, because if history has shown us anything, mass forwards always make a difference. Or they at least make you very rich by sending your credit info to Nigerian Princes and friends lost in Scotland.

Are you questioning if this is true? Don't! Because it has been verified by Snopes.com. And my uncle Jed! JED!!! (You know what that means)

Plus if you send this now, while standing on your head, then you will win a free iPad that will be hand delivered by Bill Gates. Bill Gates? You probably are thinking that it is sort of fishy that the competition would give away products from their main opposition. STOP THINKING! You want an iPad! And if you don't want an iPad then you can also win free milk and everyone loves milk(please ignore when we demonized milk earlier in this e-mail).

Just e-mail this off, and then you can pick up a free bag or carton or bucket of milk at your local milkery (that is where you buy milk). Just walk in and take the milk, and then proceed to leave the store. Ignore the screaming cashier or store manager, because that is just a test to make sure you read this e-mail. They may also call the cops, to make the whole ruse more believable.

WARTS! iPads! Squirrels! Milk! Calvin Klein!

Forward this e-mail now, because it is totally true. Plus it will help the police find a missing baby carrot and raise funds for an emu farm.

How can you not?

Sincerely,

Someone you will block if you have half a brain.

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