Friday, November 05, 2010

Questions I'd Ask M. Night Shyamalan If I Ever Met Him

I had several questions that I wanted to ask Michael Bay if I ever had the misfortune of having him be face to face with me while he was making helicopter sounds. But if I somehow met him, then maybe I'd meet Mr. Shyamalan too. So, here is what I'd ask him.

In the morning, do you offer your family a bowl of cereal and orange juice, but then when they take the first spoonful, you yell out, "Twist ending! I put the orange juice into your bowl of cereal. No one saw it coming!" Except everyone saw it coming, because you do it every morning?

If someone tries to hand you a copy of 1984 or Jane Eyre, do you cower in a corner and throw holy water towards it, while shouting, "Logical writing. Logical writing"?

In your world, does it make complete sense that a man would not find it incredibly odd that no one would talk to him for an entire year except for a young boy?

Seriously, do you know guys that just pick up a troubled boy off the street, and proceed to just hang out exclusively with this little boy? And to you, this is protagonist material?

Didn't he find it odd that the grocery cashier never seemed to be interested in taking his money, but rather kept screaming about floating watermelons?

Were you in my trash last night?

Seriously. The Village?

Is your favourite food, cinnamon twists?

Remember when someone said that he knew the secret of making the can't miss blockbuster film? And if you do, doesn't it suck that I remember too, in order to rub it into your face?

So, the entire plan to take over the world hinged on the fact that it can't rain anywhere for several weeks?

Were the alien's scouts fired for the rather shoddy research work?

No, I mean it man. The Village!?!

If you ever write a book on film making, will it ever have anything else written in it other than, "The secret to good script writing is to have a twist at the end. The less logic and cohesiveness in the film, then the better the twist."

Why is it that every single time there is a new trailer for your films, I say, "Oh, maybe this one will be really good; I must spend $10.00 to make sure."?

1 comment:

  1. I'd ask him why the "hard R" rating was so valuable to him with The Happening & why he felt it necessary to continually have the characters saying, "Something's happened" "What's happening?" and anything else with the word "Happened" in it to remind us of the film's title.

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