Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Awful Book Ideas That Will (Hopefully) Never Be Published

Edward Blotter's Old Sunset Adventures - Edward is a zombie boy wizard that smells like sweet roses when exposed to sunlight, plus as you'd assume with the undead, is oh so dreamy. A nondescript girl falls in love with him, and doesn't even care about his mass cravings for her brain.

There Is No Monster At The Beginning Or Ending Of This Book - Or in the middle. It is a story about kids being able to deal with disappointment. That is exactly what they will feel with the 25 blank pages.

Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll: The Uncensored Carrot Top Story - With Pictures!!!

Ginny The Krap - The heart warming story of an alcoholic bear that encounters a small boy. The boy not only helps him love life again, but makes a really delicious dinner.

Alice's Lack Of Adventures At Home - Now, you can finally read about Alice's life outside of wonderland. And it's boring. Read about her naps, dinners, chores, and walks. The more you read, the more you'll appreciate the original.

Shoot For The Ground: Jed Clampett's Tips For Becoming Wealthy - Basically the title is his advice, and the rest of the book contains pretty pictures of his tractors and buggies.

We Are Not All Different - A delightful children's picture book that shows that many kids have the exact same skin colour and religion. So, it is just better if they stick together and ignore the weirdos.

Liz Taylor: The Advice For A Long and Happy Marriage. . . And I Know Marriage - Liz Taylor has been married so many times that I am pretty sure everyone has lost count (except maybe Larry King who is attempting to get in the record books). With someone who has been married so many times, she must know what she is doing!

Catcher In The Pie - After Roland Clayfield quits his baseball team, he hears voices that alert him that if he "bakes it then they will come." This advice causes him to open up a bakery where he constantly burns his wares and chases his customers off by complaining about the hopelessness of life.

As The Mustard Spreads: The Literary Tale Of A Writer Of Literature -
This is written for the sole purpose of winning lots and lots of literature award. It is deep, poignant and incredibly boring. So, most critics will likely feel obligated to vote for it.

Hercules Flexed - Libertarians will rave and gush about the deep and powerful message. They will point to how the tools of a successful government truly are shown in this work of completely incoherent fiction. All other readers will just wonder when Hercules is supposed to show up.

The Key To Becoming A Millionaire, While Also Completely Losing Your Soul - The first tip is to write a book of useless advice about how to become a millionaire that a horde of suckers will purchase.

The Uneventful Day of the Average Bus Driver - He picks several normal people up, and drops them off when they ring the bell.

Dracula And Cute Kittens -
In another of the popular classic literature mash ups, this novel contains the original story by Bram Stoker but also inserts several small anecdotes about playful kittens.

Pass The Thing That Smashes The Pointy Things Into The Other Things- Christopher Spicer's guide to 'do it yourself' work around the house. It may possibly make you less handy.

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