Thursday, February 03, 2011

Happy (Chinese) Lunar New Year! Enjoy A Reheated Year Old Post

Hey look, the moon has declared it is a new year! So, if your past New Year's Resolution has already suffered a flaming death then you're already given chance number two. If you're not the resolution type then you can enjoy some delicious Asian feast, because any worthwhile holiday needs a feast. The Lunar New Year is a very worthwhile holiday with a deep and joyous history. Don't believe me? Then why don't you read this post that I wrote a year ago in celebration of the Lunar New Year. If you are one that celebrates this holiday then have a fantastic weekend, and if you aren't then this year is a perfect time to start.

Enjoy!


10 Unknown (Fictional) Facts About The (Chinese) Lunar New Year

10. Ayn Rand brought Chinese New Year's celebrations to North America, but promoted the idea that the celebration could happen whenever one felt was necessary. Of course, this naturally lead to a Chinese New Year's every single month, which initially sounded like a grand idea. It becamse clear that Rand felt every feast should have a philosophical speech before every single dish (typically, there were 9 courses at the feast). While everyone liked the idea of a feast/celebration that spanned over a week, no one seemed to enjoy a feast that consisted of 5 hours of ranting before being able to have 5 minute of eating a cold plate of lobster or shark fin soup. Needless to say, Rand's vision died rather quickly.

9. Almost everyone loves Chinese New Year's celebrations, but oddly, most find the need to celebrate again about 15 minutes after it is over.

8. W.C. Fields protested the celebration of anything new and instead, promoted the idea of a Chinese Old Year celebration. Though it largely consisted of him getting drunk while only wearing his briefs, and yelling about those 'Damn Kids, walking on my lawn.' So basically, it was like every other day of his life.

7. It actually originated in Poland, and really had nothing to do with the New Year. Instead, it was an opportunity for a bunch of guys to throw stuff at the moon and dress up in their favourite Dragon costumes sewn by their mothers. Despite the longstanding beliefs, these men were not 12 years old, but did think jobs were for suckers and enjoyed making pillow forts in their parents basements. I believe a few of them ended up migrating to a region known as Slum Haus.

6. In 208 BC, a man simply known as Ned left his home on Chinese New Year's with the promise of slaying a fierce dragon, and finally, bringing true peace to his village. Seven months later he returned with a piece of clothing that adorned his upper body with the engraving, 'I Went To Slay the Dragon but All I Got Was This Lousy Piece of Cloth.' The novelty T-Shirt was birthed that legendary day.

5. Despite the fact one would think St. Patrick's Day would be more apropos, this is the only day you can actually find a Leprechaun's pot of gold. Unfortunately, it is actually only a box of cheaply made chocolates, which can often be found at most WallMarts any day of the year, thus not really worth the effort of trying to catch the little fella.

4. Every twentieth Chinese New Year's, there is the all important 'feats of weakness.' It is essentially similar to a 'feats of strength' except the goal is to not be able to lift an object. Participants will start with trying to lift the heaviest objects possible such as a house or mountain then proceed to progressivly lighter objects. Once a person is able to lift an object he/she is eliminated, this event proceeds until only one person remains, who is unable to lift anything. In 1998, it was won by 'Limbless' Larry who defeated 'Atrophy' Andy, when Andy was able to lift a jelly bean. Unfortunately, Andy was put into intensive care after such a grueling(at least, for him) physical act.

3. Kermit the Frog was actually invented during a Chinese New Year's preparation. A craftsman named Charles was attempting to make the most impressive Dragon puppet ever. Unfortunately, his artistic skills were not as strong as his desires to achieve, thus ended up making something resembling a frog. He was publicly ridiculed by many, thus out of shame he threw the frog-like dragon into a nearby dumpster, which happened to be the residence of one Jim Henson. One week later, Henson was able to move to much more luxurious accommodations.

2. The beans served during dessert at a Chinese New Year's feast are actually magical. Unfortunately, the growing of a beanstalk in one's stomach is not the best thing if one's goal is to be healthy and living. Luckily, most people just dump the beans in their pocket when no one is looking, then proceed to flush them down the toilet after excusing themselves. Many sewers are full of lush, green life.

1. If there is a full moon on a Chinese New Year's, a 780 pound Dragon named Lucious emerges from the Atlantic ocean and proceeds to sing show tunes on the little known island of Caspuss. The inhabitants of the island, a lone meerkat and forty seven crabs, merrily dance and have the most exciting day of the year for them -- of course, being secluded on a desert island that sounds like a rare disease, this is not saying much.

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