Friday, September 16, 2011

Dear Big, Popular, Rich Entertainment Site, Here is Why You Need to Pay Me to Write for You. . .

I did an acceptable job of making a manageable living this summer writing, by doing lots of marketing type work. I also landed a few bylines by writing for Collective Publishing. So, for my first summer as an essentially full time freelance writer, I thought I did just dandy. But little do many of you know, that I was at one time in negotiations with a site to become one of their TV show reviewers/recappers. That would have been awesome, because as much as I love to be paid to write, I'd love to be paid to watch TV even more. Unfortunately, things fell apart over rates, which isn't uncommon in freelancing (depending on who you ask, it's either because one is a cheap bastard or the other is a greedy hound). I've turned down my fair share of work due to the amount offered, but I really want to write TV reviews (and get paid for it).

So, today I've decided to declare all the amazing reasons your entertainment site should pay me to write reviews for you.

1. Unicorns will literally start prancing in your backyard and elves will wash your feet and centuars will comb your hair and mermaids will warm your bath; essentially, it will be the most magical day of your entire life (please note: it may take anywhere between five years to absolutely never before this starts to happen).

2. The Donald still hasn't jumped on my million dollar idea, NBC Donald Trump Hour of Cartoon Power. So, I'll allow you exclusive rights to air on your site this revolutionary cartoon block about time travel and Hitler moustache punching (though you may want tinker with the 'NBC' and 'Donald Trump' part unless you like lawsuits.)

3. You'll hire a dedicated writer who is willing to go to great lengths to truly immerse himself into the role of the TV watcher. I'm totally willing to wear sweatpants, eat loads of fried food, sit on the couch for hours, and waste hours watching mindless TV (in order to perfect this role, I'll ensure I either hand in all reviews several weeks late or not at all!)

4. Betty White is pretty dang trendy, which makes me think all the kids are just begging for older figures in their life. I can fill in that type of need by non stop complaining about how TV isn't as good now as it was when I was younger and constantly mentioning pop culture moments that absolutely none of the readers were alive for. I'll also scream at them to get off my lawn.

5. With every review you purchase, I'll throw in a free haiku about Don Knotts.

6. I pride myself as a fiction writer, so if you get me to review a dull show then I can totally 'spice' it up for the readers. Imagine an episode of Desperate Housewives where they seduce a dragon in order to return honey to Winnie the Pooh (this may actually happen, I have no clue what the show is about). Or an episode of NCIS where they team up with the A-Team to battle Cobra and Skeletor (cross overs were huge when I was kid). It will make for amazing television. . . reading (also sort of hinges on people not ever watching those shows to avoid them discovering it may not be a totally accurate review).

7. I'm assuming that since you're an internet site and none of your readers pay a dime for your service, that you must be just rolling in an eternal mountain cash. This can get boring, so I am trying to help you shrink that mountain by giving me money.

8. My parents and teachers always said that I can't get anywhere in life by just watching TV all day. Let's prove teachers and parents everywhere wrong, by showing you can be paid to be a couch potato (I can then be an inspiration and role model to children across the world).

9. Because if I don't review Last Man Standing before it is cancelled after 3 episodes, then no one will know Tim Allen was back on TV.

10. You probably get thousands and thousands of readers a day, so it only makes sense to bring in a blogger who get tens of tens of readers a week (because you know, maybe you want a smaller niche audience?)

11. Because I need an excuse for my wife as to why I am watching so much TV.

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