Friday, September 09, 2011

Dear Donald Trump, Here are 15 Reasons You Should Give Me a Million Dollars. . .

1. You've sunk millions into large, sleek, glamorous buildings that may or may not given you a return on your investment. So, why change your financial strategy to dropping a million on a short, pasty-white, dingy man who guarantees you no return on your investment.

2. I think it is time to expand into the wig business, because you know all about fake looking hair. My dog sheds his hair daily, and so I've got a cost effective way of quickly creating the product.

3. I'm a writer, so I can ghostwrite yet another autobiography for you. But this time I'll set your life in Mars, because everything is better in Mars (please ignore the films Red Planet and Mission to Mars).

4. Whenever the media criticizes your debts or money losing endeavours or reports you are worth less than you think, then you can have me on retainer where you just point and say, 'Hey, I make tons more than this guy.' For this to happen, I'm always willing to be flown by a private jet to anywhere you are located.

5. I'll give you my billion dollar idea on improving The Apprentice and making it the most watched show in history. Hint: It involves pandas, a rocket ship, the Grand Canyon, and a tub of ice cream (the ice cream is just for me to eat while I tell you the idea).

6. I'm 100% willing to wear any pretty little dresses you want me to put on. Let's face it, it is more humane and safe to put a dress on a chubby white guy than a ferocious untrained grizzly bear.

7. We'll bring back Saturday morning cartoons with the amazing NBC Donald Trump Hour of Cartoon Power. The first half hour will be a cartoon about you, Ivanka, and a talking squid traveling through time and solving mysteries (first episode you will confront Hitler and punch him the moustache!). The second half hour will be you firing classic cartoon icons (first episode you make sure Fred Flintstone never sees a rock quarry again!).

8. I read that you once thought about being a filmmaker. I was thinking you can fly me to your mansion, and I'll act out scenes from classic films (the first film can be The Last Starfighter).

9. We can play a game of "Guess the WrestleMania You've Been In", where I mention a WrestleMania and you guess if you've been in it or not. If you win, I'll let you piledrive my teddy bear.

10. Guarantee you'll buy my vote if you run for President, and I'll also recruit as many voters as possible. Of course, please ignore the fact I am not an American citizen and can't vote for you (a very minor problem).

11. It's time we modernize the Miss Universe and Miss America beauty pageants that you own. Today's society no longer wants to see women as just beautiful little creatures, but instead want to see women prove their intellect. We'll change it so the winner is the person who can beat a blind chimp at finding China on a map.

12. We can start a birth certificate renewal agency out of Hawaii, because well, you seem to have a thing for birth certificates (plus then I can go to Hawaii).

13. You'll buy the first rights to my brand graphic novel, "Donal Trump Rides Godzilla to Narnia." There may be some intellectual property rights that you'll want to iron out first, though.

14. I'll unleash the hottest new cable TV channel, Donald Trump Presents Comb Over 24/7. The first and probably last channel completely dedicated to the world's greatest comb overs. I'm thinking this could be a premium pay channel (hell, it wouldn't be the first time you lost money, right?)

15. I'm hungry and don't have any cash for a burger. Thanks.

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