Tuesday, December 20, 2011

2011's Biggest Box Office Bombs and My Snarky Thoughts on Them

Zap2It.com listed the biggest box office bombs of the year, and even though I've seen almost none of them, I still felt like chiming in with my opinions. Because that is what I do.

I should note that the film that I wanted to see fail, Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, even failed to make this list because it wasn't released in enough theatres to qualify. So, thanks again Bucky for losing one more time.

25. Our Idiot Brother: This was the movie audiences' way of saying they prefer Paul Rudd to be the straight (and slightly neurotic) man, and leave the goofy comedy characters to Seth Rogan or Russell Brand. It sort of sucks that your big movie vehicle has to tank in order to tell you that, "Yes sir, you've indeed been type casted."

24. Don't Be Afraid of the Dark: And the movie goers said, "Fine, we won't." Katie Holmes gets to continue to hold on to her streak of bombing at the box office in films not called Batman Begins. And I say this in the kindest way possible, because I used to totally have a 'celebrity crush' on her and thought she had potential to be a leading lady. This was also 10 years ago, during a time that I also thought it was smart to dine on nothing but Pringles and Coke for a week.

23. Sanctum: So, I guess it's back to making Avatar 2 for James Cameron.

22. Monte Carlo: I don't even remember hearing about this movie. Based off this picture, it is about fancily dressed girls walking down elaborate stairs, and then maybe they go find cute boys who take them to a casino and teach them how to smoke cigars. Did I mention I never heard of this movie?

21. Your Highness: I was slightly interested in this movie until I remembered Year One, and realized it was likely the exact same movie except you replaced Jack Black and Michael Cera with less interesting actors (though it had the plus of adding Natalie Portman -- because she is such a renowned comedian).

20. Mars Needs Moms: I only remember this as the movie that I was convinced my friends had made up. Apparently, he didn't. But it also seems most other people didn't think it was a real movie either.

19. Dream House: Another movie I was vaguely interested in, because it came out around the time that I'm craving something spooky. Though the trailer seemed like it was part of a bet to see 'how many horror tropes can be stuffed into 2 minutes?" Really? -- Two spooky ghost girls in a haunted house? Hollywood does know that you're allowed to make a movie about a haunted house without using a 30 year old horror cliché, right? Right?!? I do have to say I feel bad for Daniel Craig, as it seems like the audience just doesn't care unless he is a suave British super spy.

18. Conan the Barbarian: I've heard this is good, in a 'this is so horrible it makes me giggle non-stop' kind of way. What a shock that isn't enough motivation to get people to pop out $12.00 for some 3D 'fun'.

17. The Three Musketeers: Has a Musketeer movie ever raked in the dough at the box office? Will this flop stop Hollywood from peddling out another in the next 10 or so years? I vote 'no' for both.

16. The Eagle: Another movie that I absolutely have no recollection of ever hearing about. Based off the picture, it is about really mad and dirty people who like to wear fashionable alligator skull hats. And maybe at some point they all fly a giant eagle?

15. Shark Night 3D: The classic "let’s try to piggyback off a surprise hit, except ignore absolutely all the things that made it a success" approach to film making. So, it is Piranha 3D but with sharks -- and none of the humour or nudity or campiness or entertainment. Absolutely shocked it wasn't a hit with that brilliant strategy.

14. Fright Night: "Okay, I've got a great idea for a summer blockbuster. Let's do a remake of a film that didn't do great in the box office but has become a cult classic among horror nerds. You know, the type of people that are totally sick of all the remakes of horror movies? There is no way we can't make money at the theatres with this idea."

13. Apollo 18: Blair Witch Project in Space, but only a decade after people are totally sick of Blair Witch rip offs.

12. The Thing: Remember what I said about Fright Night?

11. Judy Moody and the NOT Bummer Summer: Now, we've learned that not all YA novels turned into films will automatically transform into magical bags of money. Plus it seems like it did end up being a bummer summer after all.

10. What's Your Number?: It would appear it is a little over 14 million, or also known as less than what you spent to produce and market the movie. I think Anna Faris is actually pretty funny, but it sadly seems like folks don't like her in the starring role unless it has the words Scary and Movie in the title (though I'm pretty sure even that kind of movie would now do rather well on a list like this).

9. The Rum Diary: I'll probably still see this anyway, because I love my Hunter S. Thompson craziness. I can't think of too many Depp films that I dislike, unless he is going to be that damn pirate again (which is also apparently the opposite mindset of the movie goers).

8. Glee: The 3D Concert Movie: WHAT!?! People won't pay to see 2 hours of a show that they can watch for free every single week on TV? But it is in pointless 3D?

7. Drive Angry: I think the incredible Hulk came up with the title of this film. I also think we can officially pronounce Nicholas Cage's box office success days dead. He may also want to pronounce death to his relationship with his current agent too.

6. Straw Dogs:
Hey Hollywood, we have these things called Blu Rays and DVD players. They're really neat. They allow us to watch DVDs of really good old movies. So, you can seriously stop remaking films that don't ever need to be remade.

5. Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil: I've actually seen the original Hoodwinked. Based off how poorly this one did, a lot of other people must have seen and remembered the original too.

4. Prom: Just like their real prom, people decided to do something else instead. At least this time around it didn't cause eating disorders and self-esteem issues (except for the movie executives that were behind this film).

3. I Don't Know How She Does It:
And nobody cared to find out.

2. The Big Year:
Now, we've learned that Steve Martin is not box office gold in 2011. Though, I have a feeling that fact isn't going to keep him up at night. As for Owen Wilson and Jack Black, it was fun on top while it lasted, right?

1. Take Me Home Tonight: Because I don't want to watch this movie.

4 comments:

  1. Candice3:24 pm

    Hilarious, just avoiding work and trying not to laugh out loud while my boss walks by.

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  2. I'm pretty sure the entire point of office work is to be distracted by things online.

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  3. rockclimbordie8:05 pm

    so what would be your top movies of 2011 then? I'll try to come up with a list as well--maybe we'll agree on a few :)

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  4. A great idea! I'll try to put something together before the end of the year.

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