Saturday, January 14, 2012

The Exclusive Interview with a "The House of Mirth" Advocate

I did a review of The House of Mirth earlier this week, or more to the point, I did a butchering of that dull novel. On that day, I had one of my smallest number of visits in weeks. I initially thought it was proof that the novel was truly a glowing example of dullness, because people didn't even want to bother reading a review about the book (though I think my review was far more entertaining than the actual tome).

Then I realized the dip in visitors had nothing to do with interest. But instead, it was a concentrated attack by a group of avid The House of Mirth supporters. They were enraged by my attack of the novel, and thus did a full scale assault on my blog. They mounted a protest that decreased my visitors and hoped to continue to undermine my blog.

They are starting their very own "Occupy Spicer" protest in order to show their unified anger over my criticism of their beloved novel. It will be the type of ferocious attack that only can be truly perpetuated by the monocle wearing and cane carrying crowd. It will be a dangerous time, but I think I can weather the storm. I will not back down on my stance on The House of Mirth and my belief it is a story that inspires me to pour Drano in my eyes.

I thought, in order to properly understand my attackers, that I would confront them and ask them the important questions. So, here is my exclusive interview with one of the Mirthers (this is what they call themselves).

Me: Hi there. I hear you're starting an "Occupy Spicer" protest.

Mirther: Indeed.

Me: Um, why?

Mirther: Why you ask? Why? Oh because you blasphemed against one of the most sacred of blessed tomes.

Me: I really didn't. I said it was well written. I just couldn't relate to the main character or get engaged with the story.

Mirther: Of course not! You're not prepared for the wonders it is ready to unleash. You're just a commoner. You can't appreciate the depth and class that pours from the blessed tome.

Me: It is just about a bunch of rich people that go to country homes or lavish parties or cruise on big boats or eat extravagant dinners. And its message about woman has been said before in better and more interesting books. But hey, I realize some recognize it as a classic, but it just doesn't appear to be my thing. I can appreciate that you love it.

Mirther: Love it?!? I worship it. It is the blessed tome. Yip Yip!

Me: Yip Yip?

Mirther: Yeah, apparently it is something you think rich people say, and since I am a figment of your imagination you've decided I must say it from time to time.

Me: Makes sense.

Mirther: But what doesn't make sense is the fact you even thought you could touch the book with your current standing in life.

Me: Not only did I touch it, but I got it soaking wet. The pages are totally crinkled now. I'm thinking, I might just throw it out.

Mirther: I'm about to slap you with my white glove and demand a duel. You dared to wet the book?

Me: Not on purpose. I just didn't tighten my water bottle enough when I had both in my backpack.

Mirther: Ugh. You carry a back pack. No wonder you didn't like the book. You're an ogre.

Me: I look nothing like Shrek. But once a girl said I look like the guy from Neverending Story 2.

Mirther: Why would one waste their time on a story that never ends? Especially when you have the most amazing book with the best of endings.

Me: Yet no one gets to the end because it is so goddamned boring.

Mirther: You besmirch! Oh I see a duel challenge coming.

Me: I see a vein popping on your forehead. Seriously, why do you assume I am unworthy of this book?

Mirther:
Well, you admitted the reasons in your very blog post. You don't wear a monocle or don a smoking jacket or own a bear skin run or wear a top hat. You are not equipped with the essentials of being worthy of reading such a classic.

Me: I hate to break it to you, but in the class where I studied that book, nobody had any of the things you mentioned.

Mirther: Well, it was populated by ladies, and so they. . .

Me: They didn't wear taco feather hats like the girl on the cover.

Mirther: Oh you heathen. That is not what she is wearing.

Me: I know. She would probably look a lot less silly if she was wearing an actual taco. I'd at least be more interested in finishing the book. Actually, I'd probably still not finish and have lunch at Taco Bell.

Mirther: You're an unrefined brute.

Me: So, when do I get the glove slap?

Mirther: You're not worthy. Besides, my glove is in the wash.

Me: Figures. Ketchup popsicles?

Mirther: Gets me every time.

Me: Yeah, I really hope they catch that guy.

Mirther: I will not talk to you anymore. You disgrace me. You own nothing of substance.

Me:
I own a pocket watch.

Mirther: Nay. Nay. NAY!

Me: No seriously, I do. It has my name inscribed on it and everything.

Mirther: You cannot. Such a thing almost starts to put you in our class. This is impossibility.

Me: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I never wear it and not entirely sure where it is at the moment.

Mirther: A piggle swot.

Me: Huh?

Mirther: It is another thing you assume rich folks say. Since I'm. . .

Me: Yeah, I know. Figment of my imagination. Anyway, this really hasn't been much of an interview.

Mirther: Yeah, you really mislead your readers up there.

Me: If they've stuck with me this long, they're used to be disappointed.

Mirther: Anyway, I should not be talking to you. You’re the enemy.

Me: What if I promise to finished the novel. Eventually.

Mirther: Will you wear a top hat and read the novel near a beat skin rug?

Me: I can put on my toque and read it near my dog.

Mirther: Is he big?

Me: 85 pounds.

Mirther: Okay, we have a deal.

Me: Yip yip.

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