Sometimes I bitch and moan on this site. I'll direct rage towards whistling, major or minor appliance stores, lack of payment, and colouring books. I realize it will seem like next to writing, my number one skill is being cranky and ornery. But I am a happy person. Honest. I have a gorgeous wife, an energetic dog, and a magnificent son. On top of my fantastic family, I have countless other things to be cheerful about. And I am.
But I also seem to be stockpiling more and more things that raise my blood
pressure and cause steam to blow from my ears. I realize I am getting
dangerously close to transforming into a curmudgeon at the still relatively
young age of 34. But it isn't my fault that this world is littered with
Here are two more things pushing me towards a life of sitting out on my
porch and shaking my cane as kids walk past.
1. When people apparently want to make their sidewalk grow.
Because this is the best explanation I have for the folks that insist on
watering their sidewalks. Okay, I do realize why it happens. They
want to water the main part of their front yard, but they also don't want to
miss the strip of grass that is between the sidewalk and the road. So,
instead of watering the main yard for a bit and then move the sprinkler to the
strip of grass, they blast enough water out so that it will cover all the grass
they have in the front yard (and sometimes their front windows).
I'm all for laziness. I understand why they do it. They don't
want to have to come out a second time to move the sprinkler and then haul
their fat ass out again to actually turn it off, and then return the hose to
the garage. They just want to come out to set up the sprinkler once and
then return at the end of the evening to put it away (or it seems for a few of
these people, the next morning). Okay, they had a hard day at work and
want to spend minimal time on their lawn. I get it. All the weeds
in the lawn show that they don't want to make an effort. I know they've
committed so many weeks to Love in the Wild and need to find out if
Jenny McMcarthy's head will explode. They just want to eat chips, let the
brain become mush, and stay away from the grass (because after all, the brain
is already fried from work). They don't want to have to play around with
the sprinkler, but rather do one big watering that covers all the grass, paved
areas, and neighbours.
The thing is that sidewalks don't obtain super powers when they get
wet. They really don't need to be watered. But sidewalks are the
place that pedestrians transport themselves. It is the place they go when
walking their dog or pushing their baby in the stroller or follow when going to
the mailbox. People like to walk on sidewalks. They also like to
not get suddenly wet on their walk, or have to spend 30 seconds trying to time
the damn sprinklers.
It's rude. It is also a huge waste of water. I really don't care
if they want to jack up their own water bill. Sure, it seems pretty damn
inconsiderate that they'd blast away excess water when the city has a water
ordinance trying to cut down use in the summer. But some people don't
think about that kind of thing. They should, but they don't. I'll
leave it to a Green Peacers to kick their ass instead, over that issue.
But most people should at least realize it is a pain to get wet when you don't
want to. It is also a pain to have to push my child's stroller on to the
road, just because some inconsiderate ass decided he wanted to water half the
block. It is even a greater pain in the ass trying to navigate both a
baby and an energetic dog away from the spraying water.
To the imbeciles who insist on watering everyone who walks past your house,
this is my message to you. Sidewalks don't need the water. I
promise. So, tone down on the damn sprinklers. Like I said, I
understand lazy and think it can be a wonderful thing to embrace. Even I
can come out an hour later and move the sprinkler into a new location.
You'll be back in before the commercial break finishes. I promise.
Well, maybe I shouldn't do that, because it may take you five adverts to just
lift your behemoth of an ass off the couch. But if you're really that
much of a waste, then do you really care what happens to that little strip of
grass? Just let all the dogs provide the watering that it needs.
I'm sure it is enough.
2. The "super cool dudes" who race their cars down a
residential street. If you speed down a residential street that you
know is filled with young families, then you're a piece of shit. This is
not debatable. My otherwise fine and upstanding street that is relatively
quiet and great for young families, has at least two shitheads that rev their
engines and race down our street to their house that is 3 seconds away.
One of these days, I should actually pay attention to where they park, and
explain why we have speed limits, especially on a residential street.
This is not something I understand or relate to at all. I don’t think it is cool or impressive that
one can motor through a residential street.
I have no clue what it accomplishes.
No one’s life is important enough that they need to get home that fast, especially
every single time they drive through the street. Being able to drive fast doesn’t prove
anything at all, and it doesn’t make you anyone I care to give any
My street has many young families. We have kids throughout the day who
are riding their bikes and running around with glee. This is
allowed. This is what kids should do. Kids like to play. Kids
don't like to be smeared all over the road. Parents like their kids being
smeared even less. But there isn't a single person on this street who
should be shocked to find out this place is roaming with children.
I also have a baby. A baby that will become a kid. A kid that
will also want to ride his bike and roam about with glee. Now, I'm not
going to recommend that he plays on the road. None of the other kids
really play on the road either. They do occasionally ride their bikes on
the road. I've seen an occasional game of street hockey. Plus sometimes
kids lose balls and need to run across the street to get it. Hopefully,
they look both ways. So, I realize if kids stay on their lawn then
they'll remain safe. But sometimes kids do end up on the road for a few
seconds. The thing is, our street is not a main one. The only
reason to ever be on our street is that you live here (or are lost). It
does connect to other roads, but our street isn't the most efficient way of
accessing any of them. The traffic is minimal, and only picks up when it
is either time to go to work or arrive back home. For the most part, you
don't have too much fear when your child is playing basketball or riding about
on their bike.
Except there are these two drivers of fury who love to rev up their engines
like they're on the motorway and then blast down the street. Because
maybe one day we'll give them a medal for getting home so quickly. Except
I don't want to give them a medal. I want to give them an eye ball
punch. There is no reason I should hear their engine holler through the
night sky, and there is even less reason for them to try to break the speed of
There is a reason for them to not be speeding assholes, though. The
kids. The many cute and chubby little kids that are spreading joy through
our street. It will be much harder for them to spread that joy if their
guts are decorating the road. And I have a lot of plans and dreams for
Everett. One thing I don't want him to be is a road decorator --
especially with his own insides. So, it would be nice if everyone on a
residential street realizes you shouldn't go so fast that you can't make a
sudden stop. The kids are roaming, and we like them best when they're
Because isn't this baby so much cuter when he isn't roadkill?
A cute picture makes me seem a little less crusty. Right? I am
really not a curmudgeon. I don't even have a cane for shaking. But
I also know that you give me another week, and I'm sure I'll find another thing
to rant and rave about.