Thursday, December 20, 2012

The 2012 Box Office Bombs and My Snarky Thoughts

Last year, I listed the 25 biggest box office bombs of 2012, and then attempted to be witty.  It turned out to be one of my most viewed posts ever, so I'd assume that a success.  Zap2It has listed this year's flops, and I'm now ready to unleash snark on box office bombs once again.  Because the end of the year is a great time to rub some salt into the wounds of failed films and wonder what the film studios were thinking in the first place.

25.  Cloud Atlas:  It was Matrix except with Tom Hanks, transgender characters, a more convoluted plot, and several million less film goers.

24.  One for the Money:  Remember when entertainment magazines and film studios were telling us all that Katherine Heigl was the next romantic comedy film star?  The audience apparently answered, "No thanks."  This film also failed to live up to its name.

23.  Alex Cross:  Clearly, this film would have done much better in the box office if it was called Tyler Perry's Madea Plays Detective.  This film also answers the great question, "What happens when you dare to replace Morgan Freeman?"  Along Came the Spider wasn't cinematic gold, but at least people came for more than to just see what the lead looks like out of drag.

22. Katy Perry: Part of Me:  The audience apparently wanted none of you, Ms. Perry.  Hopefully, we will see One Direction on this list next year, and we can say good bye to "3D Pop Concert Events!"  

21.  Sparkle:  RIP, Whitney Houston.  It sucks your last film had to be a flop.

20. Premium Rush:  Apparently, I was one of the few who wanted to watch people ride bikes rather than actually do it.  I still stand by my review of this being a fun film.  I'm sure Joseph Gordon-Levitt isn't too heartbroken considering he also was in some little films known as Dark Knight Rises and Looper.

19.  Big Miracle:  I remember when Free Willy was a massive family film hit, and then jerks like me used the title as a way to make crude jokes during math class.  This film is exactly like that except you have to remove the word "hit", and I refuse to go to math class.

18.  Haywire:  A few years ago Gina Carano was the face of women's MMA, but now she has moved to "direct to DVD" action star.  With this kind of record, she is destined for Dancing with the Stars, and she then can call it one memorable career.

17.  Man on the Ledge:  The title reminds me of this awesome short story by Stephen King called "The Ledge".  It appears other people thought of it too, and decided to go read the story instead.  Based off the plot of this film, I think we all made a better decision than the studio executive that greenlit this film.

16.  Chernobyl Diaries:  I was interested in this film until someone said, "it is a different take on found footage movies."  That statement is sort of like saying, "you should try this new drink, because it is similar to chugging Drano."

15.  Silent Hill: Revelation 3D:  So wait, is the revelation that it is in 3D?  Because that really isn't a shocker?  Or is the revelation that 3D is not enough to get people to actually want to see any more films from this tired franchise?

14.  Wanderlust:  Poor, poor Paul Rudd.  It is the second year in a row that the film he stars in gets on this list.  The sexy Jennifer Aniston can't even save him.  Haven't you learned Rudd?  Your destiny is to be the constant straight man in Judd Apatow flicks.

13.  Safe:  Were any directors scared that their chances for box office success were in trouble because they were opening the same weekend as the latest Jason Statham action flick?  This film was kind enough to have a title that told them how they should feel.

12.  The Raven: I still think a thriller about Edgar Allan Poe solving crimes based off his macabre tales is a golden idea.  I also don't think that John Cusack, best known for lifting a stereo above his head to win the affection of a girl, is the best modern comparison to the father of Gothic horror.

11.  Lockout:  Oh okay, that is why no one saw a film starring Guy Pearce as the hero.  And also maybe because no one wants to see Pearce as the hero.

10.  Hit and Run:  Bradley Cooper was supposed to be the next golden star of Hollywood.  But maybe people just got confused because he was sporting those gnarly dreads.  If you are banking on a star to carry a film then it is always nice for people to recognize the star.  Though to be fair, I have to admit this movie looks kind of awesome.  Or at least, as awesome as a film can be when Tom Arnold has a prominent part.

9. Dredd:  Sylvester Stallone totally owes Karl Urban a nice gift basket and a giant skywritten message saying, "Sorry about 1995, dude."

8.  Silent House:  Soon to be followed up by the documentary sequel, "Empty Theater".

7.  People Like Us:  And people like me say, "Sorry Chris Pine, we'll get back to you when your character is named Captain Kirk and your surrounded by far more lens flare."

6.  Gone:  I am absolutely stunned that no one wanted to watch Taken but with Liam Neeson replaced by the airhead from Mean Girls.

5.  The Words:  Uh oh, Bradley Cooper can't blame the dreadlocks this time.  You'd have thought this would have made millions with the thrilling concept of a struggling writer who plagiarizes a novel to become a success.   It just screams epic blockbuster, right?

4. Fun Size:  I always wondered what the heck was so "fun" about a chocolate bar that was 5 times smaller than a regular bar.  Out of protest, I just can't justify ever watching this movie even if it has the extremely delightful Jane Levy.

3.  Chasing Mavericks:  I believe the success of a Gerard Butler film is based off how often he yells, "This is Sparta" while showing off his abs.  I'm sure there are lots of ab shots in this film, but very little references to Sparta.

2.  Won't Back Down:  I love feel good films where an underdog fights to change the system and helps transform the lives of those forgotten by society.  But I like it even better when the film is actually good.  Don't worry Maggie Gyllenhaal and Viola Davis, I still think you're both amazing (in good movies).

1.  Oogieloves in The Big Balloon Adventure:  Congratulations movie that sounds like another reason you shouldn't French kiss a chimp, you're the biggest box office bomb of all time.  Hooray?
       


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