Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Predictions for 2013

2013 is here, and there isn't anything we can do about that.  This is what happens when you put all your faith in a calendar designed by a people who didn't even have the courtesy to stick around.  Now that we need to live through this 2013 together, what can we expect for the next 12 months?

Well, I'm glad you asked.  Here are some things that will be going down in 2013.  Well, they will if my prediction skills are as strong as my "can't stop eating Christmas candy" skills.

1.  The film 42 will be a surprise critical and financial hit that will cause film experts to herald the glorious return of sports films as award worthy box office smashes.  Then it will be followed up with a film about a luging panda, Speed and Furry

2.  A "major" scandal will erupt in the Canadian Federal government, except it'll actually be something that doesn't cause an uproar when done by an average citizen.  The situation will remind people of the infamous Bill Clinton affair of the '90s, except this time the liberals are the critics and the conservative are the defenders.  Oh yeah, and the American media won't even notice.
 
3.  For 5 weeks in the summer, "Sugar Smugs" will be the hot new expression among teenagers.  It expires the night Jay Leno incorporates it in his monologue.

4.  A star athlete from one of the big four sports leagues (NHL, NFL, NBA, and MLB) will reveal he is gay.  Sports analyst will immediately discuss how this revelation that he has been hiding for 15 years will affect his game play this season.  Only the media is surprised when it doesn't.

5.  McDonald's will reveal their hot news concept, dinner theatre.  It will be hyped for months and months about how it will revolutionize the fast food industry, because everyone wants to watch out-of-work actors forget lines and have spit fly near their Big Mac.  The experimental launch is in a suburb outside of Chicago at the end of August, and oddly enough, all the hype and any mention of the project permanently ends the next day.

6.  Several newspapers and magazines will run an article about how the novel is dead, and that it is impossible for new authors to break through.  Then a previously unknown author will publish a novel that will crush the record for the most books sold in one year.

7.  TLC will debut the bold new TV series, Auction Auctioneer Wars.  It is a compelling look at auctions that sell off the leases of auction buildings.
 
8.  There will be a huge backlash from parents against a famous popular culture magazine after it writes the "It" thing among celebrities is pregnancy.  Parents will be outraged that such an article would encourage susceptible teenage girls to get pregnant like their idols.  The magazine will then retract the article and replace the new "It" thing with buying car seats and strollers.

9.  The entertainment world will rave over Louie C.K's discovery of a hot new comic.  The comedian will be 39 years old and have been touring night clubs since 18 years old.

10.  A new species of wild cat is discovered in Asia that is visually beautiful and reminds people of something out of a fantasy story.  While this animal gets on the cover of several prominent magazines and stars in its own documentary, a large portion of the North American population use it to fuel the never dull Creation vs. Evolution debate.

11.   On Facebook there will be thousands of statuses that declare, "I totally predicted this is how the Toronto Blue Jays' season would turn out, but no one listened to me."
 
12.  Brad Pitt, Angeline Jolie, and George Clooney organize a massive charity that raises millions of dollars for a poor nation that was struck by a massive natural disaster.  Several cynics criticize them for just doing it for the publicity, and then those critics "forget" to make any charitable donations this year.

13.  A relatively unknown blogger gets a bunch of stupid predictions wrong.


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