Wednesday, September 04, 2013

'Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star' Film Review: A Film Conspires with the Fates to Crush Your Soul

I wish no ill will upon the actor Nick Swardson, and I hope he has a long and healthy life.  As for his film career, his greatest performance was the two minute in Click where he is an employee at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  Based off Scott's review it doesn't look like Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star will be the film to win me over.  But I've already made my thoughts on this picture pretty clear in the past, and the past article should give you a good idea how much I desire to see if I agree with Scott.  If you ever wondered if this film was as bad at the trailer looked then Scott will set it all straight in his review.

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Do you ever feel like life could never get any worse?  That each new week brings a punch to your gut, driving your sense of self-esteem and dignity lower and lower.  And in those times, if ever you have been there, perhaps you have felt the urge to curl up fingers into fist, wave them towards the heavens and defy fate and divine intervention in a rebellious dare to bring it on.  You can take whatever comes, because you are living through the worse.  Defiant, you tempt all things terrestrial and celestial to give it their best shot to stifle you even more.  They don’t answer… they cannot.  Your life is already too rotten to reduce into any more chaos.

And then Netflix throws its hat into the ring.

I am speaking from personal experience.  On one particularly bad day, I tempted me some fate, yelled bring it on, and the challenge came in the form of Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star.  I did accept said challenge, only to find that my self-worth took a hit at approximately one minute and sixteen seconds into the film when I ultimately realized there would be no redeeming qualities to this film.

The film stars Nick Swardson as Bucky, a farm boy who finds out his parents were porn stars and decides to follow his destiny by moving to California to be a porn star as well.  His calendar was pretty much wide open and his parents were supportive, so it was an easy choice for him.  Christina Ricci co-stars as a waitress who befriends Bucky, and walks alongside him as he refuses to give up on his dreams.

Where should I start?  The fart noises?  The fake buck teeth?  The prop semen?  The fact that I never once laughed, and that every time I was aware that I should be laughing my view of humanity got more and more grim?  It was more than an agonizing affair, as all one can do is stare at the clock in a countdown to freedom from the shackles of this film written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, and Nick Swardson.  Even though the movie is so base level, it is the skit character performance of Swardson that really brought the pain.  I am sure Swardson has areas of talent, but not for a role like this.

I am done now.  There is nothing that can be extracted from this film that will enlighten anyone.  There is no hope for the down and out that will come from experiencing Bucky Larson’s pornstar adventures.  There was nothing of worth that I found through this trial of will and perseverance.  It’s like doing ‘connect the dots’ after someone’s already done it… it’s pointless.  Sure, because it was on Netflix it did not cost me any money, but it did cost me time.  I could have spent money on it and then found a ten dollar bill on the street.  All signs point to me not being able to find an hour and a half lying around anywhere to make up for this.

The only time I ever gave a movie zero stars was when I saw Cannibal Holocaust because of scenes where they killed animals (literally, it was not special effects) and eviscerated a big ole turtle.  This time I was the one eviscerated.

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